Bootmakers Second Limericks Contest

In 2017 Bootmakers participated in a second Sherlockian Limericks Contest. The deadline for submission was December 1, 2017. Members participated in an anonymous vote at the December story meeting to determine the winners. The first place winner received a fabulous prize, and the top three submissions were featured in Canadian Holmes, Volume 41 Number 2 – Spring 2018.

In an effort to prompt the contest at the beginning of the year, and give an example of how to compose a limerick, Meyers wrote the following:

Side Effects by Mike Ranieri

It’s the cocaine, I say, that is preventing your conclusion.
Your mind can no longer take the constant pollution.
Your deductions will then,
Conclude not 50 nor 10,
But only a seven percent solution.

The following are all of the contest submissions:

First Place Winner

Consulting Detective by Don Roebuck (Toronto, ON)

A certain consulting detective,
Liked keeping his brain intellective:
Took a pipeful of shag,
When he started to flag,
And when bored he took something injective.

Second Place Winner

Ode to Professor Presbury [CREE] by Robert Stek (Magnolia, DE)

He wanted Alice’s fancy to tickle,
But feared she just might turn fickle,
So as not to be bested,
He was nearly arrested,
For ingesting a langur’s testicle.

I marvel at the falls in Niagara,
More astounding than the treasure of Agra.
But could the falls be suspended,
Or even up-ended,
With a massive dose of Viagra?

Third Place Winner

Cardboard Box by Cliff Goldfarb (Toronto, ON)

Jim Browner was quick with his knife.
He was enraged by his unfaithful wife.
It was puzzling to hear,
That he sliced off her ear,
Right after he cut off her life.

The Cardboard Box by Don Dillistone (Winnipeg, MB)

Egged on by her vengeful sister,
Mary dodged when her husband kissed her.
But she had more to fear
Than losing an ear
When said husband saw Alex tryst her.

The Six Napoleons by Bruce D. Aikin (Newfane, NY)

Beppo my sculptor we must trust,
To carry our loot in a rush.
He kept the pearl
And so lost his girl
But alas his plot was a bust.

The Hound and The Boot by Jean Paton (Toronto, ON)

In the tale of the Baskerville hound
There’s the single boot Sherlock Holmes found
Labelled Meyer’s, Toronto:
Holmes solved the case pronto.
Hound is shot and the villain is drowned.

Meyers’ Store by Bill Avery (Midland, ON)

In Meyers’ old Toronto store,
Sir Henry was viewed as a bore.
This upper-class snoot,
Was given the boot.
And told to come back nevermore.

Lestrade by Christine Newhouse (Toronto, ON)

There was detective named Lestrade,
Who came to view Holmes as a god.
When he asked for his aid,
Holmes this reply made,
“It’s the criminals I would applaud.”

Charles Augustus Milverton by Christine Newhouse (Toronto, ON)

There was a vile man from Hampstead.
Schemes of blackmail ran oft in his head.
Lady Eva his victim,
And no conscience pricked him.
But Death got his number instead.

The Great Game by Dave Drennan (Whitby, ON)

For all of us who play the game,
With Holmes and Watson of worldly fame,
From a place that we hold dear.
Long ago, but yet so near,
Our loyalty we do proclaim.

A Peruvian Lady by Claire Stemp (Toronto, ON)

There was a Peruvian lady,
Caught sucking the blood from her baby.
She wasn’t to blame;
It was Jacky’s shame.
Now Jacky must serve in the Navy.

The Acquisition [CARD] by Susan Spier (Toronto, ON)

After taking a generous snort,
Holmes went walking in Tottenham Court.
He met with a broker,
(Who was also a smoker),
The meeting was fruitful but short.

Holmes said “I deduce you’re not glad,
With the pitiful sales you’ve had,
So, Sir, if you’re willing,
I’ve 55 shilling,”
And walked out of the shop with a Strad!

Whatever Happened to Mrs. Watson? by Julia Solyom-Newman (Toronto, ON)

Miss Morstan was a petite, blue-eyed girl.
To Watson she was a rare, lustrous pearl.
Most fervent to assist her.
In the quest for her father.
For the first time, his heart was in a whirl!

The lovebirds embarked on matrimony.
Gave some hints of domestic harmony,
But soon it was very clear,
Sherlock’s sway was held more dear.
Now Mary has vanished from the story!

A Hollywood Harlot by Karen Gold (Toronto, ON)

There once was a Hollywood harlot,
Who dreamed of becoming a starlet.
She met a producer, who agreed to seduce her,
For a role in “A Study in Scarlet.”

She was cast as Miss Lucy Ferrier,
Whose character faced quite a barrier.
Lucy tried to elope with Jefferson Hope,
But the Mormons would not let him marry her.

The starlet became a sensation.
Sherlockians heaped adulation.
She once worked the street, but now she’s discreet,
With an Academy Award nomination!

Reflection on an Artful Villain’s Disguise by John W. Davis (Athens, AL)

Sherlock stood op’site the sentry,
And begged him to proffer him entry.
“If I can’t come inside,
Where the clues must reside,
Then the murder’s on you. Elementary!”

Astounding Revelation Which Will Never Occur by John W. Davis (Athens, AL)

Confound the news here in The Times!
Which posits I can’t solve more crimes!
Though I’ve said yet again,
I’ll stop fighting crime when,
Dogs learn to bark like a Mime!

Reflection on Cases Past by John W. Davis (Athens, AL)

Consider, dear Watson, these walls,
Have witnessed each client who calls.
And though pierced by my shot,
With ‘VR’, they’ve not,
Betrayed truth from the Reichenbach Falls!

A Limerick Book Review by Don Roebuck (Toronto, ON)

The Lure of the Limerick: An Uninhibited History, edited, with an introduction and annotations,
by William S. Baring-Gould (New York, Clarkson N. Potter, Inc., 1967)

If you find it too hard to converse,
Just give her this volume of verse,
And when she is done,
She’ll be hot for some fun.
(Or more probably, just the reverse.)